QAnon unmasked: You won’t believe who it really is!

After months of intense investigation, it turns out that the “Q” of QAnon infamy is none other than Q from the Q Continuum! “I thought the local elections for one of those pieces of land was far too dull,” admitted the interdimensional being last Tuesday. “I was going to use the Capitol Riot of ’21 as an argument against humanity when I meet Picard for the first time. However, those humans have that invasive habit of recording everything and when I tried this argument one of Jean Luc’s engineers spotted my face stirring up a crowd outside the Capitol Dome. Humans are so emotional and immediately decided that the argument was moot upon seeing me there.”

When asked why he would stir up such a dangerous event in world history, Q admitted things went out of control but pled innocence. “It wasn’t I who killed any of those poor people. Those humans did that to themselves, with their flags, their falsified data, and their fighting instincts.”

Towards the end of the interview Q mused, “I just wanted to add some pizazz to an otherwise boring event. Don’t the humans do similar things when they’re bored?”

Categorized as Satire

A Post-Election-Day Survival Guide for Christians

It’s happened. Another President has been declared by national media outlets to be the projected winner of the 2020 elections. Many people are mortified and others are elated. How are Christians supposed to respond to moments like this?

1. Treat every late development that goes against your preferred candidate’s favor as suspicious

No matter if there is bipartisan oversight and ways to detect fraud, it’s totally “sus”.

Bonus: If there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it, it’s still suspicious.

2. If your favorite candidate, celebrity, or news network says it happened, it must automatically be true!

We’ve all lied or at least exaggerated the truth in the heat of the moment, but obviously they would never do something like that!

Bonus: if you already suspected something and someone says it, then that’s automatically true as well!

3. Remind everybody of 1 Samuel 8, but only if your preferred candidate is projected to lose

At the end of the day, the context of the nation of Israel going against their covenant with God doesn’t matter. After all, America is the modern Israel, right?

Bonus: The President of the USA = King of the USA! Our President is not an accountable, elected representative with limited powers.

4. Remind everybody of Romans 13:1-7, but only if your preferred candidate is projected to win

Obviously, if the other candidate wins (or steals) the election then it wasn’t instituted by God and we can #RESIST without incurring judgment.

Bonus: This is especially applicable if the other candidate has sinful policies or a sinful lifestyle.

5. Political power is important for Christians

After all, when Jesus founded the church he marshaled a massive army of loyal men to march on Rome and overthrow the repressive regime that was practicing flagrant injustice against minorities, heavily taxed their conquered foes (taxation is theft!), and viciously attacked freedom of religion. No Christians died in the first century for their faith because it was imperative to seize power and not let the policies of the church fall out of favor.

Bonus: Violence against the “other side” is okay – “He who lives by the sword dies by the sword” doesn’t count even though Jesus said it when someone tried to use violence to protect Jesus from being killed.

Extra bonus: make a piƱata or effigy of the candidate you disliked and destroy it. Checkmate, atheists.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Categorized as Satire